EMOTIONAL REGULATION, CHILDREN AND POLYVAGAL THEORY
Learning how to have conflict, how to come back together after it, and how to show mutual respect and reassurance is a practice.
Some of us (myself included) grew up in families where conflict felt scary and was filled with abrasive anger, power over, shut down, or denial. As a teenager, I witnessed my parents fighting over custody issues after a breakdown in communication following their divorce. This resulted in my mother “winning” the court case and subsequent relief that finally life could go on without Dad in the picture. This of course was devastating at the time and a trauma that I buried for years until later in my mid twenties when I finally reconnected with my father many years later in Samoa.
Trauma imprints itself on our body and nervous system, which is why talk therapies are often unsuccessful. According to trauma expert Dr Bessel van der Kolk, people can’t recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies.
Learning how to have conflict, how to come back together after it, and how to show mutual respect and reassurance is a practice.
Stress and trauma can dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, making it harder to regulate emotions. This dysregulation can result in emotional reactivity and difficulty in managing stress. Research by Dr. Stephen Porges reveals that the functions of the autonomic nervous system are regulated by the vagus nerve in the body. The vagus nerve connects the brain to major systems in the body including the stomach and gut, heart, lungs, throat, and facial muscles. Polyvagal theory states that there are three branches of the vagus nerve: one responsible for sympathetic actions, one response for parasympathetic actions, and the third which mediates and regulates the actions of both called the social nervous system.
The social nervous system is associated with connection, calmness, safety, and a focus on the present moment. The social nervous system is strengthened by relationships and helps kids successfully navigate their sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic nervous system is associated with high arousal and mobilisation towards movement. In children, you can recognise sympathetic activation when kids are excited, silly, wiggly or squirmy, surprised, angry, anxious, or have difficulty sleeping. When feeling unsafe or threatened, this manifests as a fight or flight response. However when supported by the social nervous system, this activation can mobilise towards play. The parasympathetic nervous system is associated with low arousal, relaxation, withdrawal or depression. When children feel threatened they may withdraw, appear helpless, and say they are tired, bored, or sad. However when supported by the social nervous system, children feel safe to relax into a hug, snuggle with a pet, or linger in quiet satisfying activities such as reading or drawing. Understanding polyvagal theory can help individuals and parents develop strategies to improve emotional regulation. Techniques such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness and therapies like polyvagal-informed therapy can be used to regulate the autonomic nervous system and promote emotional well-being.
As parents, our responsibility is to help children process their experiences. This is not an easy task. In today’s current world, it is easy to feel triggered by our child’s or teen’s big emotions, whether it be fear, anger, or sadness; especially when the expression of these feelings comes out as disruptive behaviours. Some children have difficulty communicating their feelings verbally and as a result they frequently express emotional distress behaviourally. Others tend to hold big feelings inside, withdrawing and avoiding interacting with others. Some children are more explosive in nature. These children might have angry outbursts, throwing dramatic tantrums. Other children are aggressive towards other family members and might hurt themselves by pulling out hair or biting their fingernails. As parents, all of these behaviours can be disturbing to see in children. Yet these behaviours are also strategies that children use to regulate their mind, body, and emotions.
The goal of emotional regulation is to help children know that they can have feelings and still be okay, safe, and loved. Here are some tools I recommend for when your child’s behaviours are signalling emotional distress:
Do a self-check first: In an airplane, you receive instructions to put your oxygen mask on first; then place it on your child. Ask yourself, are you activated? What tone of voice are you using? What is your body language communicating? What do you need right now? Maybe you need to stretch, breathe, or call someone who can help you feel more connected and safe. If your child’s behaviours are putting themselves or anyone else at risk, by all means address the concern immediately. But also recognise that getting away from your child is sometimes the best way to keep both yourself and your child safe. Self-regulation is challenging; however, practising your strategies in front of your child provides valuable modelling. For example, you might say, “I am feeling mad right now! I’m going to breathe and shake it all out! Ahh, that feels better…”.
Become an emotion detective: Once you are able to be more present, observe your child’s behaviours and be curious about which nervous system state is dominant. What is their body language saying? What strategy is your child using right now to manage emotions? Can you help your child experience connection? This will help strengthen the social nervous system.
High arousal tools: If your child is highly activated, explore meeting them in a high energy way in a supportive, playful fashion. This might involve giving them a chance to push against you while you hold firmly onto a pillow. I tell kids that anger is a healthy emotion and we need to find a healthy way to let it out. The wood-chopper technique is a really useful tool for releasing anger (www.yogacalm.com).
Low arousal tools: If your child is withdrawn or shut down, see if they will allow you to come in close. Use your breath and voice tone to communicate to your child that you care. My daughter preferred to go to her bedroom and snuggle under a blanket when she was overwhelmed as a young child. My job in those moments was to calmly sit next to her and simply remind her that I am here if she needs me.
WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP When we are stuck in a dynamic with our children that feels unhealthy or consistently negative, it is a sign to seek more support. Sometimes this is a signal to get greater understanding about your child’s behaviours. If your child has ongoing challenges with anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal, you do not have to go through this alone. There are also times that seeking greater diagnostic clarity is necessary to guide appropriate solutions or interventions. One of my goals as a parent coach is to educate and inspire parents to seek help. It can be humbling to ask for help, for fear of being judged or perceived as an inadequate parent. However sometimes getting professional support for ourselves and our children is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and the next generation.
You can also learn more about these topics by reading The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. Van Der Kolk.
